Woman, your feelings don’t matter.

My face is hot with rage, and I’m slowly losing respect for this older African man I work with.  How dare he? As he kept talking, my anger slowly begins to subside because we are having a conversation that has needed to be had for ages.

His telling me about his friends who’s got two wives here in Canada! One lives on the 10th floor and one on the 17th. I ask Fahad, how his friends supporting two women. Fahad’s says “they both work and help him, his a wealthy man.”

I realized my questions is very ignorant because I assumed that just because the culture they’re practicing is ancient doesn’t mean that they don’t have modern practices. Like women being bread winners, and I’m also acutely aware of how this combination of cultures is benefiting Fahad’s friend and men like him more than the women involved.

I tell Fahad that most African cultures are made to benefit men. He argues that these women choose this lifestyle as he tries to make his point, I’m immediately brought back to my own culture were in the “olden days” a first wife was given the option to choose and propose to the second wife.

Fahad says in his community, more and more young women are choosing to marry older men because they are mature and they can provide emotional, financial and spiritual support. He says women offer to let their husbands marry a second wife because they say “It’s better this way, at least you won’t cheat on me” I say Fahad but don’t you see! That’s part of the problem! They’re not exactly saying I’m happy with it, or seeing you with someone else’s makes me feel good this is saying, either way, I’m screwed, and this is the better option of screwed for me! As I try to put my point across I realize I’m losing him, he’s not interested in the feelings of these women. I become aware of a statement my friend Blommy made, she said, and I loosely translate “most women are suffering from high blood pressure because  infidelity that is so rampant in our community.”

So what about our feelings as women culturally? Does our peace, joy, opinion and comfort matters? You’re saying yes, yes it matters! But who’s responsible for seeing to it that these needs are catered for? Not Fahad his benefiting. In fact, he posts an essential question to me. He asked me “If I was married and while I was married I fall deeply for someone else, and I sat my husband down and discussed with him, my husband consent to let me go ahead and have an affair with this man, would I refuse?” I answered honestly and say I would have an affair. Take that green card and run with it!

So there it is no one who’s benefiting from the oppression of another will fight for their freedom. Women need to fight cultures that oppress them cos their men won’t. Your emotional health matters. Your feelings matter, your soul matters, your spirit matters because you matter.


Are you afraid of your own light?

My favourite quote that sums this statement is common and very popular a lot of you have related to it shared it liked and maybe even screen grabbed it. Here it is.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
—Marianne Williamson


See you’re familiar with it, but why are we afraid of something that is as awesome as being brilliant, Fabulous, gorgeous, talented? Before I can answer that, let’s look at the word light itself. According to http://www.dictionary.com, light is the natural agent that stimulates sight and makes things visible. Aaah I’m more in intrigued about the last part of this sentence the light stimulates sight and makes things visible. Once you start living a life that’s in the light all of you becomes visible to yourself, your character flaws, your anger, your bitterness and many other things within that we’d rather not share with the world. Things that we’d rather bury it so deep, things we’d rather stop talking to people when they point them out than admit it, own it, face it.Are you still there, dear reader? I’m intense, I’m deep, that’s my light.

For one to grow and change we have to see the truth of who we are. To avoid the brightness of our light, we do a lot of crazy things. Like drinking alcohol to hide from ourselves (those of you who know me personally know I do enjoy a glass here and there-wink- let’s face the truth of it, it becomes toxic when you start trying to drink your pain away) or have multiple sexual partners. As if you’ll find your worth there, or drugs, some people obsess over outward appearances to cover the pain inside. Notice that I keep saying pain about not living in the light? Cos it is painful, its soul crushingly destructive.

The process of change is excruciating, but diamonds are created under pressure. I just cliched ya’ll with that diamonds quote, don’t judge it’s a good quote. You’re still here? Good. I want to tell you how to live in the light, to Judge Judy you guys with truth and wisdom, but you see I’m also a work in progress, so here is what I know. Start by telling yourself the truth. The truth about your destructive habits, the truth of where you are in life compared to where you want to be. The truth about who you are and what really makes you happy, the truth of what makes you shine the brightest.

Thank you for stopping by


Continue reading “Are you afraid of your own light?”

Body Image

Growing up in most African cultures you're told to eat. An elder who's feeding you maybe your mom, grandma or cousin will say "look at you, you're so skinny, eat" These words were used as an insult, to maybe persuade you to eat a little more because being skinny was deemed the worst possible state of being. And when you're skinny other kids would use statements like "look at your hips sticking out like thorns" or they would say something sassy about your collarbone, these were all meant as insults. Bad words. In fact, one day when my grandpa was reminiscing about how far he had come, with so much pride he said: "look at me now, I have all these cattle, and businesses and my children are fat". Eating a fat based diet is part of my culture, to these day bone marrow is one of my favourite things to eat. I'm not going to go into detail about all the strangely delicious African delicacies, that's a whole blog post on its own.

Being raised in an environment where being skinny was an abomination and then sitting down to watch a television show where some skinny American girl is on a diet and counting calories, I always had conflicting views on how my body should look like. As your mind yoyo's between being afraid of being too skinny and being afraid of being too fat, so does the body.

The best thing you can do is accept your body for how it is in every moment of every single day. Workout and eat a balanced diet. Maybe have occasional bone marrow or whatever tickles your fancy.

I encourage you all to interact with me. Different views and oppinions are always welcome.


Arranged Marriages

This is a great love story I got from a family member. One Afternoon an uncle who had left the country in exile during the liberation struggle called his elder brother and informed him that he was ready to settle down. The Elder brother goes to our grandfather because he had many beautiful girls. After deliberation, they chose one young maiden who was age appropriate, and the engagement was finalised. So when Uncle came home from abroad, he was ready with an engagement ring. When they laid eyes on each other, it was love at first sight. They got married in a beautiful 3-day traditional marriage and off they went to their new home abroad.

I have heard of similar successful arranged marriage stories that will only melt the heart. Unfortunately, I also have heard of horrifying stories of grown men marrying children!

One time I was allowed to tag along with my cousin who was 3 years older than I am. I was about 8, and she was 11years old. Her friend from school had asked her to come over to play. When we got to her place, she offered us drinks while she finished up cooking. I asked her when her mother was coming home, she said her mother lived in another village, she stated that she lived with her husband. I was so shocked my eyes were ready to pop! Even then at 8 years old I knew it was wrong. Can you imagine this was 1996! I knew the old man he worked at the post office, and he was quiet, respectful and kind too. Not some mean old monster as we sometimes imagine these people. Everyone in the community knew about it and accepted it. It was none of their business.

In the first case, it was two consenting adults, which I feel is ok but a child! No.

If you have similar stories share with us in the comments


We are shamed for having it and shamed for not having it. We're going to look at how our beliefs influence our financial status.

Many factors contribute towards poverty. Today I will single out one, our beliefs and how they affect our socio economic status.
Money is necessary, in today's society because we're not able to afford our basic needs such as food water and shelter, also having a little extra for transportation, education is important. How about a little extra for retirement, emergencies and luxuries?  That would be nice, wouldn't it? Let's say you believe money is evil in the back of your mind? You think you’d want to have a little extra evil lying around somewhere? I don't believe so. I believe that you’d do everything necessary to get rid of it. Like squander it; you would not find ways to get extra money now, would you? That why I say our beliefs influence our financial status.

Growing up in a middle class of a developing country, I had a strange relationship with money. The first notion was that it is so hard to get it! I also believed it mathematics was hard and I failed the subject miserably. You see where I'm getting at here?  If you feel money is hard to get, you'll fail at getting it. There are so many beliefs that we hold on to, statements that have been passed from generation to generation. Money doesn't grow on trees; it's hard to get it, wealthy people have witchcraft that's why they have so much. We want it, yet we scorn others for having.
People go as far as quoting the bible to guilt trip the wealthy “money is the root of all evil” no, but the statement is “the love of money is the root of all evil” 1 Timothy 6:10 KJV

Some people who are complacent towards getting money, they have a nonchalant attitude towards it and thus end broke during their retirement years.
How can we make it better? It's never too late to develop new beliefs. Treat money management as any other skill you need to learn. Learn from experts, read on it and most importantly adopt new views. Tell yourself it's easy to get money, money is a commodity, not an evil thing.

What other new beliefs do you have about money? Do you agree to disagree with my perspective? Share your opinion in the comments section