Blog

They Don’t Like You? Boo Hoo

dislike

 “Have the courage to be disliked.”

Read the first quote I came across this morning. It takes a certain amount of courage to walk confidently into a room knowing that half the room hates your guts!

The people pleaser in me would never allow it. There were times I would go to an event and force conversation with someone who doesn’t like me until they budged. Imagine using all that time and energy to convince someone how much of a beautiful person you are instead of letting them think whatever and enjoy your night.

At one point I was so fearful of being disliked to the point where I would change the way I dressed, talked and thought. I stopped thinking independently, and every decision had to be approved by someone. I once let someone talk me out of opening a boutique, something that I was so sure of at the time. Had I been courageous I would have been further along or I would have failed and learned from my mistakes.

Now that I’m older you’d think I have come full circle huh? Nope! Sometimes I’m still fearful, and sometimes its both middle fingers up like a rock star.

I’m courageous, I face this fear on a daily basis. Being a supervisor I have to make tuff decisions, that make my crew dislike me. One time I came in to find my name tag stabbed with a pair of scissors. I didn’t even flinch.  The more you are disliked, the more ok you get with it.

And when you get ok with not being liked, the more rooms you’ll enter courageously. The more opportunities you will take. The more success you’ll achieve.

Keep My Name in Your Mouth!

IMG_6739

Please, you’re doing me a favour

See, I was just surfing the gram and came across this cute rapper/ comedian called B. Simone. She has this freestyle rap on her page which I loved! When she hit the B.Simone tone, I lost it!  In her rap, she says “keep my name outta your mouth if you ain’t my real friend” I’ve heard this statement for a while now and for a long time I’ve felt it and agreed with it but now, I’m somewhat on the fence about it. The reason behind that is that I’ve realized that people will keep your name in their mouths, and it isn’t much you can do about it, cos a lot of the time it happens when you’re not there to defend yourself. There’s not much you can do, other than breaking the law on sight! (fight),  Which isn’t really in your best interest. I’d like to think that a lot of you are on a spiritual journey that is why you found your way here.  So my suggestion is to let people keep talking about you. Get comfortable with it.

Get so comfortable that you’re okay with it. Take it a step further and capitalize on it. Build a brand on being the topic of conversation at dinner tables. They say any publicity is good publicity. So keep my name in your mouth and make me some guap!  

So how can you make money from being talked about? Here is how. Researchers at Stanford University say in some cases negative publicity can increase sales when a product or company is relatively unknown, just because it stimulates product awareness. This means people are aware of you. People generally turn to things and products that they are aware of so if they had to choose to buy a product from you over someone else they will want yours.

How does this benefit you if you’re not running a business? I don’t know. You should probably consider running a business…

Don’t Ask Nelson For That

“Make me numb Nelson make me numb.”

In the words of the fictional character Sarafina

(as she looked at a photo of Nelson Mandela.  From the movie Sarafina;a young South African girl growing up during apartheid. If you haven’t watched the film go watch it).

The phrase has become an inside joke between my friends and I. Not because its funny but because its all we can do to keep us from crying. Keep us from feeling…

Isn’t it that what we do though? Do everything in our power to keep us from feeling? I mean that’s exactly what I’ve been doing all summer numbing. I’ve been depriving myself of feeling the fear of chasing my dream to be published and so many other big wild crazy dreams. So I partied all summer. Confessions.

According to my good friend Google Numbing is to:
deprive of feeling or responsiveness.

So why do people numb? Shahram Heshmat PhD says the reason is: To avoid feeling negative emotions that are part of being human. That’s the simplest explanation I could find.

We are all human. We feel. We go through our days constantly feeling some sort of negative emotion. Anger, fear, insecurity, anxiety, guilt, sadness, shame and so on. So to avoid feeling these things we turn to things like drugs, alcohol, sex, and even procrastination is a significant form of numbing. I personally found that binge-watching my favourite TV shows helped me forget what I needed to do to get to where I desire to be. So numbing comes up in a lot of different ways.

My point is try your level best to get yourself out of the funk. Ironically the only way out of the funk is to go through the funk. Allow yourself to feel what you feel so you can overcome your feelings!

Don’t ask Nelson to make you numb, rather let his life story of courage inspire you to face your fears.

I have missed ya’ll. Please share your stories with me.

let it

 

 

 

Take A Journey Back To Yourself

walking1

I remember the time when you were so joyful? Remember when your laughter came from the core of your soul? Remeber when life excited you so much you had butterflies and your heart warmed up at the simplest of things? The good old days?

I popped in today to ask you to make a journey back to your old self. Your happiness matters. Your excitement for life matters. We all get knocked down by life and lose ourselves, making this journey back to your authenticity, to your joyful self is just as important as climbing the corporate ladder or graduating school or pursuing your wildest dreams, if not more important. In fact, I believe that you’re not yet successful until you’ve made this journey.

This will not happen overnight. It takes time to lose yourself, and it’ll take time to rediscover what makes you happy. Just do the things you’re curious about, the what ifs. You’ll be nervous at first, scared to death even. Do it anyway. Learn how to comfort yourself, when you’re low,  how to make yourself laugh without hesitation and how to love your own company, your body, your “flaws”.  No one will ever do this for you. No person can fill that void for you. You have to do the work.

It’ll take time, but I believe in you. Have a blessed day.

My Cheerleaders

Cheerleaders

I have a lot of wonderful people in my life that believe in me. People that think I am extraordinary even on days that I don’t feel it.

This fantastic support system keeps me going. So when I’m dreaming so big, so wildly! They not only support me but they help me find solutions and throw in ideas and opportunities. We all think these people are rare but are they? Or are we too focused on the haters to really see the jewels in front of us?

I sent my weight loss results to a dear friend of mine, and she was so proud of me she posted the before and after shots onto her social media. She said people were asking her how I did it. I said “well, eating right and working out. It really takes commitment, blood,  sweat and tears”. She said, “well not everyone is willing to do all that, only extraordinary people like you”. Such a simple statement. I did not see myself as extraordinary at all, but the mirror of my support system said I am extraordinary. These are the opinions we ought to focus on. I know its hard to not get caught up in the negative, but everything takes practice.

Every time someone tries to drag me down into anger or bitterness, another friend of mine who has mastered the art of peace in her life always says to me “Don’t hitch a ride with them, let them go”. Many times people will approach you with the sole intention of getting a reaction out of you; you have an opportunity to decide to hitch a ride and go down the slippery slope with them or remain on the higher ground.

I was so curious about a male colleague of mine. We worked in a very negative environment. He was always calm and never let anything get to him. One day I asked him “Aren’t you pissed off?” He said “One day in high school a teacher punished me for fighting with a kid who was being racist to me. I got so angry, I felt the anger, bitterness and pain so deep in my soul. After a while, I decided I will never give someone the power to make me feel like that ever again.”

Wow! That was profound! A light bulb went up over my head because I now realised I was choosing to give this employer my power! I was deciding to hitch a ride in the negative bus, and I was ignoring all the other beautiful cheerleaders in my life.

How much power are you giving to the negative in comparison to the positive in your life?

Striker vs Defence

What’s your position?

In soccer, there are two leading positions that any soccer laymen like me are aware of.  Centre forward (Striker) and centre back (defence). The centre forward’s main purpose is to score a goal. The centre back’s primary purpose is to stop the centre-forward from scoring a goal.

When you get into a relationship with the wrong person you will always find yourself playing centre back (defence), your main goal becomes making sure this person doesn’t cheat, doesn’t abuse you or doesn’t betray you in any way. Your time and resources and thought process become invested in making sure your partner doesn’t score their goals. The choice to play centre back comes at the expense of playing centre-forward (Stiker), which is the equivalent of chasing your dreams and making sure your career goals are set stable, that you’re emotionally and physically healthy.

All positions in a soccer match matter but in your life, you want to play centre-forward always, and your life partner should be your second striker. The second striker also known as support striker is there to help the centre-forward score goals. In this case, score your life goals. Your life partner should be there to hold you accountable to your ambitions, and to make sure you’re taking care of your emotional needs. Note that I said “you’re taking care of your emotional needs” because that’s your responsibility to communicate them so they can be met but that’s a conversation for another day.

If your partner isn’t your second striker than they are a distraction you might want to reconsider the whole relationship.

Have a blessed week ahead!

Shame, Shame Upon You…

shame

Its take an incredible amount of courage it takes to live authentically. It’s really not easy to not hide behind a persona. To stand fully in who God created you to be and say to the world “Here I am and I am not apologising for anything”, To say “here I am, and I am equal to all of you”. I am equal to Monarchs, presidents, philosophers, pop stars and the homeless man on the street. Standing in your truth is not easy. If it were, we’d all be free from shame…

Shame a word that envokes the feeling of it just by saying. “Tohoni”, cower because who you are isn’t good enough. “Kenohoni”, because not being ashamed of who you are is somewhat a disgrace. These are regular everyday phrases that have put a burden on people for many generations. To not be ashamed is to defy cultural expectations that are placed on young people especially African women.

shame2

It’s much easier to hide behind a persona. People choose personas based on how they think is best to protect themselves from inner pain. Are you really the “angry black girl” or is that just a protection? Are you even angry? If so why? Do you want to shout from the rooftops, tell everyone the source of your anger? No? Why not? Is it because then they will see you and shame you for not being as perfect as you seem on the Gram?

What if you shouted and told everyone your pain and they say “I hear you” “I feel you” “I stand with you” “I support you” “I thank you, had you not said it. I would have died.”

Shout your pain from the rooftops. You will get shamed, ridiculed, you will receive support, and you might save a life. Live authentically for yourself, for others and for the glory of God.