02 Mar The Gift of Feeling
In 2001 I was thirteen, and my grandmother had come from the village to Windhoek to seek medical attention. Every time a siren went off, she would shake her head and go Uh Uhh and say, “oh my God that somebody’s child.” We, the kids, would wink at each other. Giggle in secrecy at her. We were accustomed to the sounds of the city without consideration of the lives behind the sounds. My grandmother felt everyone’s pain so intensely. When she passed in 2003, I began to see these strong compassion tendencies in my mother, and it annoyed the hell out of me.
The world is full of crap, and you can’t simply afford to feel all of it! My mom felt that maybe I took after my father, who was pretty much considered emotionless after years of emotional abuse until he eventually divorced her in 1997 or so. So imagine my surprise when an ex told me, “The problem with you is that you feel too much.” It turns out he was loving on someone else, and my intuitions were right, but that’s not the point. My point is there’s a gift in being so compassionate. In a world that’s always telling us to be about “I.” Every person I admire, who; is currently celebrated in history, is a result of their intense compassion for their people. Nelson Mandela could have said, “Man, I’m going to mind my business be a lawyer and marry Winnie f** these people,” and that’s the same blueprint for Bob Marley, Dr. King, Malcolm X and even racist Mahatma Gandhi. Yes is said it google that.
After watching the documentary on the trial of Khalif Browder and little Gabriel Fernandez, I found my self thinking maybe I feel too much. I need to chill. But then I remembered the time when I tried not to feel; I was numb to all feelings to joy to excitement to love and pain. Eventually, these bottled up feelings came to the surface in the form of stress hives. Is that living? Now my question is, how can I use this intense compassion that I inherited from my grandmother, my mother, and that I share with some of my siblings and cousins. I figured maybe I’ll write it all down and share; hopefully, they make a significant positive impact on someone’s life.
This gift of intensity and too muchness that I despised in me, in my mother and my grandmother, that I thought was a short coming has brought healing and love to me and so I’ll wrap it in a shiny package and and give it to you. You’re welcome